Friday, May 11, 2012

Just blame me for being stupid. Whats the reason for me to keep my baby? When I work so hard for 8 months carrying him inside me with my legs swollen just cause I want a house of our own. A place to call home. But at the end, I realised it was just me being stupid enough. Audrey putting down her ego.. So funny even if my friends were to know I can sorry it will be a major joke. I am thankful for kaden coming into my life and giving me and letting me learnt how to grow up. I will work towards my goal harder be it with a man in life or not. I am not a weakling. But recently I have become worst than a normal girl cause in the past I wasn't like this at all. I didn't know how to say sorry nor ask someone to stay. I will never say a sorry a dozen times, I will never run after anything. All I did is for my son. I am thankful when I am looking at him with my tears he giggled at me. I know I somehow did something right. That was to have him. As for my marriage , I have been working on it and trying to change myself non stop just to make people around me happy but was ever I am happy? Even? Maybe I am not at all. I used to be someone full of character and I really ponder why I have become like this. Where is the old me? Someone who will go on dates with people who will give me the ever perfect dates and say the sweetest words to me and make me happy and I know I have someone who will know me in and out the way I am. Just the way I am. I feel like I am putting a show just to show that I don't mind and I can don't bother. I am tired god. I am really tired. Of proving and getting blamed. I have enough. This shall be my little secret. Hush Hush. Heal the pain away and blow it.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

What is married life to be anyway? To love and to hold? Well, I guess it doesn't happen in reality anyway. There is nothing to imagine about a blissful married life. There isn't such things and it never last for more than a second that can make you smile like you never did. To be with you is just so hard to be able to achieved. What does it even mean by vow? Do people actually mean it when they even say it? I guess I really don't know what's is the marriage vow for anyway. When two people are in love they don't have to get married. Being legally married means just a paper and a pen. It doesn't matter cause once it has been torn apart it will just be the end. Do two people who are in love really need to sign that paper? Someday it will just fall apart just like this. No matter how hard we try, it will never be the same every again. What for run for something that doesn't belong to you even. I am really tired of finding the right one or trying hard to love my partner when I know I don't get anything back but just commitments. What more can I ask for? Nothing. Oh well, just well least let it be again. Never knew loving or trying to love is just so hard. It never meant anything anyway for any instance. Everyone get married for various reasons. How many percentage really get married cause they are in love? Maybe 1/10 couple does it. The rest are for reasons. When we were young, we will dream of fairytales but it doesn't happen in reality. Nothing happens in the real world now. Everything is just for a reason not for a cause. Maybe when we really love that someone it will never happen that him/her will be the one you will be marrying. What is a pure true love? Up till now, I just wish for someone who I can built my walls with and share my happiness and sorrow with. Someone who will just be there forever. Someone who can understand me when I don't speak. Someone who will know my next move without me showing. It is always nice to just fall in love over and over again. It doesn't happen in reality anyway. At the end, it will just be a repeated routine. Nothing special, nothing nice. It will just be apart. I will stare at my computer and he will be there playing his ipad. Like there is nothing to talk about other than just baby. I always feel like he is always not willing to put down his things and just listen to me talk. There is no common topic and nothing special. It will just always remain this way. Maybe just one day all we have to say to each other is just a HI & BYE. Will it come to it? It is already on it's way becoming like this. From now, I will just plan a life. Be it with or without him. The happiness will never last a minute. I really hope someday I can smile again from my heart. Just to feel a beat in my heart again.

Friday, October 28, 2011

I don't think is fair that people judge me by being from a divorced family & being adpoted.
I see no big deal about it? It makes you stronger. Why to people is like the kid will have problem? Or give problems? I don't really get it. What I been through makes me stronger and being able to see the world. I know it's not what a normal person should go through but you can't blame the kid for having parents this way. Maybe this cause so much problem to me. I don't know how to handle all these anymore. Why do selfish parents makes their kids suffer for a mistakes they made? I don' t think is even right. Many things I try to make myself see and trust. It's seems so fake and what's the use of telling people about how you feel and how you want it to be? People will use this as a personal attack or make a fool out of you. A joke that insults you and make you bleed inside. This is what human do,don't they? All the care is how to mock at people. Lack of character and just judge-mental. Doesn't really helps much. It's seems so hard already. Hard to understand or even opening up. In the past 2 years, I could open up cause there was someone who was there who always tell me that I am not alone and I could trust and say. I broke down and say and say and that person will always comfort me and let me cry out. Right now feels like I have no one I can tell and turn p.too. I think I am going back to my ownself by keeping everything and just feel like crap. I really no longer know how to vent out and here I am back to blogging cause I have no one to turn too. This is how mentally tired I am already. I used to be so strong and almighty. But look at me right now? Trying to seek for help and a listening ear. Back at one ..... is on my playlist. What's the point now? How am I gonna show I am for real? Time will reveal. Never would have made it that far. You have the key. You are like a dream come true. You are the only one for me. Thats why I'm suffering now. I really wanna start back at one.  This is just a mental torture. Where am I now? What am I doing to myself. I know I just want it back. I am for real. But how and who will teach? Never would have made it again. Cause I am lost. I lost the key to my heart.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It's been ages

My blog has been dead.
My heart has been dead.
Many things has been running through my head.
I don't know how to make a right turn.
I am like standing in the middle of the road
Lost at the cross road.
I know I'm breaking down slowly
Yet I have no one to turn too.
If I have someone to support me, I will still be fine.
But I realise I have no one.
Getting married isn't that easy
I have to just swollow everything and just keep quiet.
But I'm human. I am human and not a dog nor a dirt.
I just think if I have to be selfish than everyone around me will be hurt.
But if I have to make everyone happy, I have to suffer alone.
Which is which and which is right?
I really don't know.
Be selfish? Or should I just give in to fate?
Which is WHICH?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I'm better off.
Don't just leave me hanging around.
Taking me over, I wanna show you.
Like a nervous heartbreak.
Don't just leave me over.